Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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