It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
