sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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