Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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