i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
