the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
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The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
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the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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