omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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