So drunk its hurt
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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