I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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