man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
