i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
