I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
