people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
