today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
