alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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