I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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