Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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