Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
