i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
