My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
