sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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