Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
