Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
