textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
