We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
