look no pants
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
