Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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