I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
