I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
