I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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