i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
