when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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