I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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