Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
