I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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