I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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