have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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