Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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