dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
