Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
