I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
How external is "for external use only"?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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