So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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