i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
