i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
