Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
this just has baby written all over it
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
