My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
