Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
