my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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