Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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