I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
