i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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