I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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