I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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