He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
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Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
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Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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