My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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