ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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