it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
